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Write Your Story With Intention

I recently read a book, What Alice Forgot, where a woman lost 10 yrs of memories after a bump on the head and now found herself in the middle of an ugly divorce and not remembering her three kids. She feels the same toward her husband as when they were newly married (because in her mind they just were), but he has the memories of the years of biting remarks and arguments and hostility and can’t just “forget” and go back, despite her pleading with him to do just that. She finds herself ashamed at what kind of person she has actually become and the bitterness of her once-loving husband toward her. How did this happen? Where along the way did it start to derail? What compromises or insensitive jabs or apathy led to it? It’s definitely easier if we can AVOID the relationship decline, rather than try and go back (regardless of whether there is memory loss or not!). If each of us could get a glimpse ahead 10 years in our relationship, of our habits and character traits that seem harmless today but wreak havoc over long term, would it keep us from ending up down that long road of despair?

YES. We can avoid that road by choosing our steps wisely NOW, intentionally, every day. Though gaining weight is easy, it’s still easier to not gain it (by making small, daily choices) than it is to lose it. Losing it is brutally hard. In the same way, we can stay (or become) the people we want to be in 10 years, 20, 50, by making the small, daily decisions to do so…to decide to say the kind thing when the sarcastic one is right on the tip of our tongue, to be loving even when faced with unloving behavior, to be forgiving even if it's not asked for, to be honest, authentic, and intentional even when it’s inconvenient and seems trivial or tiring. And even to not fall into apathy and let our life and character become something we never intended out of inaction. “Oh well, I didn’t mean to be so harsh in that argument, but he knows I didn’t mean it.” NO. Get up, go apologize, make it right NOW. And make an intentional effort to not do that unkind thing anymore, because the next time you have an opportunity to speak harshly or argue just to win or think “she knows I didn’t mean it, I was just mad” then it becomes that much easier to do the next time…and the next time…and the next. Those small occasional harsh or untrue or exaggerated words pile up over 10 years and become a ruined relationship. Each instance is not small when you look back on a big, big pile of them.

We all already know the obvious - that avoiding ruining a relationship is preferable than trying to fix a broken one. But we all must ask ourselves if our daily actions and words actually support that? Can we see past the current day’s work frustrations, current tired body and mind, current bad mood, current new irritation the kids have come up with, to actually CHOOSE to act differently in each small situation to avoid a bad large situation later? It seems easy and obvious…until that snappy comeback is thrown right in your face and you have yours ready to fly.

Don’t. Do. It. Stop the madness. Right there, every time. Be the bigger person, even if the other person isn’t willing to. Even if it takes them 20 times of you taking the higher road before they start doing the same (and they will if you are consistent). Prevent the negativity and disrespect from seeping into your relationship, even when you’re irritated (not a justification), or mad (not a justification), or tired (not a justification), or even…and hear this…when you’re hungry (hangry is still not a justification!).

When Doug and I got married, my parents gave us this card - Mom & Dad’s Two Cent Road Map to Happiness. It has been hanging on our fridge ever since and I frequently read it. Not because either of us would intentionally disrespect, stop praising one another, or stop communicating or forgiving….but because, more than anything, we want to be just as happy and whole and loving toward one another in 10 years as we are today. And hopefully even more so if we remain vigilant about being intentional. “Each passing day writes an unchangeable page in a book. Let your book tell the story of two lives lived in love without regrets.” Amen to that!



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