Things we forget to remember...

The things we forget to remember...

So, I am reading this book, What Alice Forgot, by Liane Moriarty. It's about this woman who lost 10 years of memories with a bump on the head. She wakes up to find herself getting ready to turn 40, with three kids, and getting divorced, rather than 29, madly in love, and getting ready to have her first baby. She doesn’t remember her kids. And she feels the same about her husband as when they were newly married, but keeps running into the uncomfortable wall of him having the memories of the past 10 years, including the decline of their relationship, that he can’t just “forget” and go back to being the people they were before. Ashamed over the kind of person she has (evidently) become and shocked by the bitterness of her once-loving husband toward her, she is wondering, "How did this happen? Where along the way did we go wrong?"

It got me thinking while I was running (shocking!) about my own life and the changes from decade to decade. I know this is just a novel I am reading, but what compromises or choices or decisions do we make along the journey of our lives that shapes our future self or lives in a way we really wouldn't have wanted? If we could jump ahead, as she has, would it make a difference in our daily decisions? Would we actually do anything differently?? I'd like to think each of us would. So...why don't we? Let's take our intimate relationships, for example. What "innocent" jabs, or jokes, or apathy, or reactions to temporary irritations could lead to that treasured relationship being at its end in 10 years? Or what about work? What shortcuts or 'Who cares, no one's looking?' attitudes do we take that keep us from being in a better position in 10 years? Or what about smoking or drinking, or over-eating, or fill-in-the-blank addiction do we say, "It's just one...more..." and voila, in 10 years we find ourselves in rehab, or with a terminal disease, or on My 600 lb. Life... Wouldn't it be easier if we could just avoid that thing, rather than go back and try to fix it?? Don't be tempted to answer, "Of course!" if you are not willing to do the thing today that prevents it!

If we could see ahead 10 years in our relationships, work life, or what type of person we become, would it really keep us from going down that road we obviously don’t want to go down? I mean, here we are, siting and looking at it and not liking it... YES. A resounding YES. We can avoid it by taking the steps NOW to avoid it. Though gaining weight is easy, it’s still easier to not gain it by making small, daily healthy choices than to try and lose fifty pounds 10 years from now. Though being lazy at work is easier now, isn't it still easier to go the extra mile or get the certifications or education than to live with the pain (and lack of income!) of being in the same career spot in 10 years?? In so many areas of our lives a small, simple extra action now, results in big changes later. It's like compound interest for our personal life! We actually can stay (or become) the people we want to be in 10 years, 20, 50, by simply making the every day, mundane, daily decisions to be kind, be loving, be forgiving, be honest, be authentic, be motivated, be courageous...to be intentional about not falling into apathy!

Do you find yourself saying, “Oh well, I didn’t mean to be so mean in that argument, but he knows I didn’t mean it.” NO. Get up, go apologize, make it right now (if you can). And next time don’t say such a thing or talk in such a way. Because those occasional harsh or untrue or exaggerated words pile up in 10 years and become a big pile of ruined relationships. Or a stalled career. Or an addiction. Or a mountain that used to be a molehill. I have a treasured note from my parents that has hung on our fridge since our wedding - "Mom and Dad's Two Cent Road Map to Happiness." Simple, but profound ways to make a relationship work through daily, intentional acts of respect, praise, communication, and forgiveness. You can read it below, and I can guarantee if you implement it, your relationships will improve. Train your mind to know that "small" things are actually not small at all when they add up to the compilation that is your life. "But won't it be exhausting??" you ask. "Besides, I am tired, or grumpy, or I was wronged or overlooked, or treated badly and I 'deserve' this reaction." Are you? Do you? Are you tired and grumpy and wronged enough to sabotage yourself?? The reality is, when you do manage to interrupt that "normal" behavior or way of thinking with doing something more positive that pushes you toward your future-you goal, it actually becomes so much easier to do it the next time and then the next, and the next….

I am unsure yet how the book ends - romantically or realistically - but I do already know that taking steps to avoid regret is way easier than living with it or trying to fix it later. If we can all just see past the current day, current tiredness, current bad mood, or current situation, and actually choose to act differently today to avoid something unwanted later...wouldn't that be the ticket?? It seems so obvious and easy, I know. Until that snappy comeback from your partner is right in your face and you already have yours ready to fly. But. Don't. Do. It. Stop the madness right there. Prevent it right now, in this moment, from seeping into your relationship. Even when you're irritated (not a justification), or mad (not a justification), or tired (not a justification), or hungry (still not a justification), or even...and hear this... when you're DRIVING (still. not. a. justification.).

Takeaway point: Don't forget to remember to not sabotage your future!