YOUER THAN YOU        

Be authentic, be yourself, be real. We’ve all heard these buzz words and felt the push to not be afraid to show our true self, honestly and unapologetically. But what does that mean exactly, and is it always the wise, preferred method of being, or behaving? When I started thinking about what authenticity is and what it looks like to be authentic, I instead kept finding myself identifying what it is not.


Here’s the list I came up with. Authenticity is not over-sharing, having a lack of boundaries, or just imitating others. It is not being unfiltered, or showing off, or attention-seeking. It is not manipulative, trying to gain the upper hand, or winning validation. Based on this list I was then able to come up with the following list of what authenticity is: staying true to, and standing up for, your principles and ideals; being vulnerable; accepting your strengths and weaknesses; showing humility; consistency in your core values and in living them out; and being open-minded and unthreatened by questions or challenges to your way of thinking.


However, as I read various articles about authenticity, I began to realize there is more to it than initially meets the eye, as there usually is with such things. Authenticity does not happen in a vacuum. When we choose to “be ourselves” it is while living among and with others. Our decisions to act or react or not act as we go about “being ourselves” affects others, whether or not we intend it, like it, or even care. So, making the assumption that we do care, the best-case scenario for being authentic should be a balance between living out our own values while at the same time living in relationships with others; a balance between being our true self and our social self, says Sam Wren-Lewis. Authenticity is not (or shouldn’t be!) an open invitation to narcissism. Is being incredibly rude to someone under the guise of, “Sorry, I’m just keeping it real” really okay?? It’s “authentic” in the sense of that’s how you really feel, but does that alone make it right or the best choice? Of course not.


So being authentic should not simply entail being honest. What about being consistent? You may find yourself in a situation where you evaluate your core values and decide being kind to someone is more important than being honest in that particular case. Theo Tsaousides, Ph.D. gives the example of deciding to laugh at a friend’s joke that you really didn’t think was funny. However, if that joke-telling friend decides he wants to take his comedy routine on the road and asks if you think he could do stand-up, your core value of being honest may then take precedent, so as to save your friend from embarrassment. Tsaousides contends that both responses are authentic, even though the first one is not honest. Your authentic self values kindness over honesty in the first situation, but honesty over your friend being embarrassed in the second.


We make decisions on a case-by-case basis depending on our values meshing with the situation. Being authentic does not mean being a robot. It means we evaluate a situation and react according to our values at that time, in that situation. And as Tsaousides points out, whatever we decide to do once we evaluate and weigh our core values against the situation and expected outcome, that action we take is, in fact, authentic. Authentically what we decided to do in that moment. He postulates that being authentic is more of an emotion than a personality trait. Something we decide moment by moment, case by case. He points out there really is no way for us to NOT be authentic, as we all make decisions on how to act and those decisions become our “true self.” We tend to value authenticity when we see people doing something we deem as “good” but not when they are doing something seen as “bad.” However, they are still being authentic, albeit authentically bad. So, to tell someone to “be themselves” or “be authentically you” is rather silly since none of us can be anything other than that. More appropriate may be encouraging us all to examine our authentic self and learn self-control to reign in the bad tendencies by weighing our response in any given situation against our core values and then acting or reacting accordingly. Be authentic by being yourself, but the best version of yourself!


Sources:


Being Authentic Is Not All About You | by Sam Wren-Lewis | Mind Cafe | Medium

What It Means to Be Truly Authentic | Psychology Today