The Art of a Hug

I am sure we all have heard of the benefits of human touch and specifically a hug, and likely have many times offered one to a friend having a bad day, or a family member in a time of stress or grief. If you grew up in a family anything like mine, you probably have hug calluses after a family get together. We are huggers, whether you are or not, so beware if you ever come to a family function. You have been warned. I have a brother-in-law, we'll call him Paul, because that's his name, who is a great hugger. The kind of hugger who leaves you thinking "I CAN start my own business!" by the time he's done with you. 

But have you ever wondered WHY a hug is so therapeutic? Like on a cellular level what the heck is happening that can change our mood if we're mad, reduce our stress when nothing has actually changed in our situation, make us feel better even though we're in the middle of being sad? I had some sessions with a counselor last year regarding my issues with Vasovagal Syncope (a whole other post in itself!), and among other recommendations, she suggested I share a 20-second hug with Doug at least once every day, as a protection against anxiety. We did, and I have to admit, it's different. Way more intimate to embrace someone for that long, to take several breaths together, make it an intentional act versus a social norm or expectation when meeting or parting. 

But back to the why. Through extensive research (Google), I learned a good hug slows down our heart rate, lowers our blood pressure, and decreases the amount of cortisol our body produces, which is our stress hormone. In How Do Hugs Make You Feel? 11 Benefits of a Proper Deep Hug (medicinenet.com), Kumar and Uttekar explain the difference between our sympathetic (fight or flight) and parasympathetic (rest & recovery) nervous systems. When we receive a good hug, it stimulates the vagus nerve, the nerve of the parasympathetic system, and releases into our brains oxytocin and serotonin, two "feel-good" hormones. (Well, technically, serotonin is a neurotransmitter-acting-like-a-hormone, but we don't need to get that technical.) Colleen Eusterweimann (The Power of a Hug - The Kim Foundation) even noted that research has shown a hug that lasts 20 seconds releases enough oxytocin to actually make you feel better. Guess my counselor knew her stuff. 

But enough of the scientific reasons a hug feels so good. A good hug feels emotional and personal, not sterile and scientific. I get lots of hugs from friends and family, and they are all sweet and lovely and much appreciated, but I started wondering what makes Paul's hugs feel different? A step above the normal hug? I decided to ask him. 

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Heather: Several of us have noticed you seem to hug with more intention than other people. There are no side hugs, soft touch hugs, pats on the shoulder from you. You seem to be ALL IN when you go in for a hug. It’s like a bear hug without the “I can’t breathe!” Your hugs seem to legit make someone feel good rather than seeming like just a formality. I need to know your secrets. Was your childhood family affectionate? Did you fit in so well with our huggy family because you grew up in one?

Paul: No! My family was more tough love. I knew my mom loved me, but the first time I got a good hug, a hug so hard she about hugged the life out of me, was when I left for college. I knew she meant it. It wasn't the first time I felt I was loved, but the first time it sunk in and I knew it meant something.

Heather: Tell me how affection was shown in your family, especially from men. 

Paul: My brother was tough love, too. No one was ever a hugger in my family. It sounds weird, but they weren't. Sure, they said, "I love you" but no hugging. A lot of the authenticity in a hug came after I had moved away to college and my brother moved to Florida. We didn't see each other often then, so that’s when it became an authentic hug. As adults. When we lived at home, we used to think “Oh, they’ll be there when I get home”  and took for granted seeing them.

Heather: Tell me the specifics before and during a Paul hug. Do you intentionally hug longer, tighter? Add a pat on the back or an extra squeeze for emphasis? I need the step-by-step breakdown so we can all become better huggers! 

Paul: It's not a pre-planned thing but based on the reception. You gotta kind of read people. Read the approach of the person and their body language. If you want someone to know something, like you care and you miss them, then you do it intentionally. If you can feel their arms loosening, that’s when it’s done. Read their body language and don’t make them feel uncomfortable. When they keep squeezing back, you know they really want a hug. Just don’t be a creepy greeter!

Heather: When it’s not an obvious huggy situation, like coming to a family gathering, how do you decide who to hug, when, for how long? Would you be comfortable hugging a stranger if they seemed to need it? A coworker? 

Paul: First off, don’t invade their personal space. If it was a stranger in need or just an acquaintance, such as someone I worked with, I would sit and talk with them first, maybe give a pat on the back. People are easily offended in this world today, unfortunately. If they are reaching out to hug you, then you know it’s okay and they need it. 

Heather: What about at work, being a male in the school system has to be hard when it comes to things like this.

Paul: At work, for any kind of consoling, it’s in front of others, hugs are always initiated by the kids only, and I always give a side hug or just a pat on the back. Hugs usually happen more with elementary school kids, sometimes with middle school, but high school kids aren’t typically huggy and affectionate with staff like that, so it's usually not an issue.

Heather: You seem to have the ability to make people comfortable quickly, even with something as intimate as a hug. Do you feel like it's something you have to work on or something you just have? Do you feel yourself being a different kind of hugger around different people?

Paul: Around family it’s innate now, ingrained. But different situations will still bring up different thoughts. You need to find and know your boundaries with each person. Besides paying attention to their body language, I also each time reflect on prior conversations and meetings with that person. Being intentional, even if there’s animosity, can help improve a relationship. I am forever grateful to your family, and to Andrea. I always played this mantra in my mind (when just getting to know the family), “If you want to be accepted, you have to let them know you love them.”  

Heather: Final thoughts on the art of hugging?

Paul: Hug with intention. Love with intention. But know your boundaries at the same time.