Outlove One Another

 

Outlove One Another

I am the lucky recipient of being born into a family who tries to outlove one another.

Being in social work for almost 20 years, I have seen many different families and many different family dynamics. Most dysfunctional in one way or another, otherwise, they probably wouldn’t have had a social worker involved. I have seen families who try to outdo one another, outspend one another, outsmart one another, outperform one another, even outlive one another (think fist fights at the family reunion). Only occasionally did I find one who tried to outlove one another. And I am not saying my family, or these few families I ran across, are perfect. In fact, far from it, which is why so much love was/is needed. Love covers a multitude of sins, right?

I didn’t deserve my family, or earn my entry, or even pick them. But, man oh man, do I have a heart full of gratitude that I got them. I am sure a lot of you feel the same about your family. And I am also sure that a lot of you feel the exact opposite about your family. If that’s the case, remember, you didn’t deserve your family, earn your entry, or pick them. But you can do better than their example. Fist fights at the family reunion don’t have to continue to the next generation. The differences I see in my family that I found missing in many of the families I have worked with are vast and many. Which, I think, is why my heart breaks for them, especially the kids I have worked with. I believe building a family that tries to outlove one another starts at the top. When the matriarch and/or patriarch of a family model such behavior, typically their children will, and their children, and theirs. We have generations of genuine, unselfish, authentic love passed down through each family because it was modeled by each set of parents down the line. Just as bad traits tend to be generational, so do good traits.

This isn’t the first time I have thought about or written about my family’s generations of love, but it was once again brought front and center last weekend when I made a whirlwind trip home for the unveiling of a remodel to my parent’s home that my brother had worked on. And when I say “worked on” I mean blood, sweat, tears, money…sacrificing time with his own family, including a new baby girl, for five weeks. Why? Love. Period. And when we all came together to celebrate this outpouring of love, it was just that. An outpouring of love. No outdoing, outperforming, or outspending. We celebrate one another’s gifts and accomplishments and fortunes without jealousy or envy. We support one another without feeling inconvenienced or put out or feeling they “owe us one” now. We don’t one-up one another. We don’t disrespect one another. We simply celebrate, support, and cheer on. And if someone doesn’t do that? We forgive them.

If this was not your childhood family, or even your nuclear family now, it’s not too late. How do I know that? Because you are still breathing. It won’t happen overnight, and I guarantee you will get push back. You may even be accused of being a fake or having ulterior motives. But be brave and consistent. Have open conversations about the change, and about the type of family you want to be. My guess is, they do, too, they just don’t know how to get there. Ask forgiveness when you need it, because you will. And extend forgiveness when they start to model your behavior and ask for it, because they will. You can be the marker, the matriarch or patriarch that draws that line in the sand. The one who starts the generations of love in your family. If you do, trust me, your grandchildren’s grandchildren will have a heart full of gratitude. Just like I do. 💕