The Danger of a Safe Space

 

The danger of a safe space

How can a safe space be dangerous, you ask? Because safe often means no growth, no challenge, no rethinking priorities and beliefs and opinions. It means not rocking the boat and sitting in stagnant water as the result. Where are the best lessons learned? Swimming upstream, challenging ourselves and others, expanding our views and thinking critically about the world around us, so as to become better stewards, better friends, better humans. 

In thinking about this topic, I found this article by Dan Sanchez, https://fee.org/articles/stop-pushing-your-kids-into-safe-spaces/, that directly relates this topic to kids. Creating safe spaces for our kids sounds noble and is a catchy buzz phrase (from pre-school all the way through college), but if the tradeoff is stunting their emotional growth or relational skills, it is too high of a price. We want to keep our children safe from real dangers, abuse/neglect, and serious harm, absolutely, but don’t we also want them to be “antifragile” grown-ups? To not be beat up by the world they suddenly find themselves thrust into with no experience on how to navigate things like conflict, failure, compromise, and self-sacrifice?  A “helicopter mom” circling to solve every problem and dispute in her child’s life and circle of friends does that child no favors. What does? Allowing the child to learn to work through disagreements with others through trial and error, to experience the natural consequence of losing a friend if they are unkind, or to fail a class if they choose not to do the work. Because becoming antifragile in a world that is rough and unkind is critical to becoming a well-adjusted, productive, empathetic, strong adult.

Another interesting idea from his article is what he refers to as “intrinsically-motivated independent action.” How, as infants and toddlers, we have this innate drive and desire to figure things out. Infants stare in amazement at their hands and feet, toddlers suddenly don’t want to be carried or helped, they want to “do it by myself!” Somewhere along the way -- he believes it’s when our school system stifles this “independent action” and turns it into “obedience” -- that inner drive to independently act is tamped down in favor of following rules, obeying authority, and honoring traditions. Not necessarily bad things in a particular situation or individual circumstance, but when this behavior becomes a way of life without exception what is actually stifled is not just unwanted behavior, but creativity, new and innovative ideas, critical thinking skills, growth in character, and emotional maturity. 

I remember the feeling in graduate school of my mind expanding. I was so intrigued and interested in the topic I was studying -- social work -- that it literally felt like curtains were being whisked away from my mind, over and over revealing a whole other room of knowledge I knew nothing about before. And once that hidden room had been revealed, I realized it contained curtains as well. What was behind those curtains?? I have to see - whisk! One kernel of knowledge learned leading to another to another to another. Like building a house, brick by brick, each building on the previous to suddenly reveal a whole new wing of my mind had been built. It was a time of serious growth of knowledge, for sure, but even more so a growth in critical thinking skills, in self-efficacy and self-determination, and for sure in confidence building. And one of the things I remember making decisions to do was stepping OUT of my comfort zones. Intentionally. I wasn’t looking for safe spaces. I was looking for challenges. Similar to when I was an infant/toddler, but this time I consciously chose intrinsically-motivated independent action. I wanted to use my new-found knowledge, critical ways of thinking, and expanded world view to go out and do ALL the things! To be uncomfortable in situations because I had learned that is where true growth happened.

I was scared of public speaking, so I decided to take a class where the whole semester consisted of researching a topic and presenting it to the class, over and over, every 2-3 weeks. I was worried about interacting with people from other cultures because I was afraid I would say or do something “wrong” out of ignorance, or they would think I was just a stupid little white girl who had never lived out of Kentucky (I was!🤷), so I sought out and befriended people from other cultures. I was intimidated by my lack of knowledge of statistics and research methods, so I got involved in a joint research project between UK and Prevent Child Abuse KY. And you know what? I became comfortable speaking in front of groups, I expanded my friend base to a diverse group of interesting and amazing people, and I later had the confidence to conduct my own research that resulted in co-authoring an article that was published in a social work magazine! (I still didn’t understand the statistics well enough to write that section, but we are all a work in progress! 😅). None of those things would have happened had I stayed in my safe space. My love for life-long learning had been lit, and I just couldn’t get enough. It still is not satiated, as I honestly would rather go to school for a living than work for a living. I just haven’t found a way for that to pay my mortgage yet.  

So, while creating a “safe space” for ourselves or our kids gives the illusion of protection, it actually can be debilitating and dangerous. As Mr. Sanchez concludes: “Beyond a certain point, carrying is not caring.”