TOXIC Positivity

 

T O X I C  Positivity

Fake niceties. Bumper sticker clichés. Hollow feel-goods. We’ve all heard them. Heck, we’ve all said them. While they may sound kind and helpful, living your life by cliches may prevent you from ever diving deeper into real, meaningful connections and relationships with others…and even with yourself. You'll stay in the shallow end of life. You may even start to believe these platitudes should and can be true all the time, that life would be oh so much better if we could all JUST THINK POSITIVE. And what happens to that house of cards when the reality of life hits? When you have not prepared your head or heart for disappointment, or grief, or tragedy because you’ve been so busy working hard to think only positive thoughts?

In my slightly twisted sense of humor, I tend to gravitate the other way. For motivation while running I berate rather than encourage myself (much to the dismay of all my counselor friends, I’m sure!). And one of my favorite companies is Despair.com who has a “Demotivators” line of calendars and other items with pictures that initially look like the typical motivational posters we’ve all seen, but instead say things like, “Idiocy: Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” 😄 Or, “Mistakes: It could be that the purpose of your life is to only serve as a warning to others.” 😂 Or, “Perseverance: The courage to ignore the obvious wisdom of turning back.” 😅

But, I digress.

In all seriousness, there is absolutely nothing wrong with hoping for the best, preparing for your best life, making good choices to get on and stay on the path you want, speaking hope and positive words to a friend. By all means, keep an overall positive outlook for your life. Take risks for things you want, learn from mistakes, forgive yourself (and others), then try again – all positives! But if the positivity comes at the expense of not preparing your head and heart for the inevitable, or if it treats others’ troubles as trivial by being flippant, (or if, heaven forbid, it’s done in the name of religion – but that’s a topic for a whole other blog!) then it’s toxic. What happens when you get that call in the middle of the night, that blindsided request for a divorce, that unexpected report from the doctor? And what happens if you “comforted” a friend with these platitudes and then THEY get that call? A life built on sand can crumble, even if that sand has been built into a beautiful castle.

Living a bumper sticker lifestyle doesn’t only hurt you. When you blurt out those shallow niceties to others during their time of need, stress, or sadness, not only do you risk making them feel that you don’t even care enough to sincerely sit with them in their sadness or stress, but trivializing their pain makes them feel alone in it, like maybe other people don’t suffer through similar things. Even that you are only seeking to make yourself feel comfortable by spouting off bumper sticker compassion, rather than doing the uncomfortable work of sitting with someone in their grief. “Everything happens for a reason!” doesn’t cure depression. “There are lots of fish in the sea!” doesn’t heal a broken heart. But you know what does help? Authenticity. Empathy. And a real love that says, “I can’t do anything to fix this, but I will sit here with you in it so you are not alone.” And, for the record, that doesn’t mean taking on their sadness, or anger, or grief as your own. It means sitting with them while they are in it. True empathy doesn’t take on another person’s feelings, it just accepts, allows, and supports them in their feelings. A sad friend doesn’t want you to be sad, too. And they certainly don’t want your tired cliches and toxic positivity. They just want your real, authentic support in the hard times. Be that kind of friend.

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Afterword: For all you dark humor lovers like me, check out www.despair.com. It’s hilarious. Here are the ones mentioned in this week’s blog.