T O X I C Positivity
In my slightly twisted sense of humor, I tend to
gravitate the other way. For motivation while running I berate rather than
encourage myself (much to the dismay of all my counselor friends, I’m sure!). And one of my favorite companies is Despair.com who has a “Demotivators” line
of calendars and other items with pictures that initially look like the typical
motivational posters we’ve all seen, but instead say things like, “Idiocy: Never
underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” 😄 Or, “Mistakes: It could be
that the purpose of your life is to only serve as a warning to others.” 😂 Or,
“Perseverance: The courage to ignore the obvious wisdom of turning back.” 😅
But, I digress.
In all seriousness, there is absolutely nothing wrong
with hoping for the best, preparing for your best life, making good choices to
get on and stay on the path you want, speaking hope and positive words to a
friend. By all means, keep an overall positive outlook for your life. Take
risks for things you want, learn from mistakes, forgive yourself (and others),
then try again – all positives! But if the positivity comes at the expense of
not preparing your head and heart for the inevitable, or if it treats others’
troubles as trivial by being flippant, (or if, heaven forbid, it’s done in the
name of religion – but that’s a topic for a whole other blog!) then it’s toxic.
What happens when you get that call in the middle of the night, that blindsided
request for a divorce, that unexpected report from the doctor? And what happens
if you “comforted” a friend with these platitudes and then THEY get that call? A
life built on sand can crumble, even if that sand has been built into a
beautiful castle.
Living a bumper sticker lifestyle doesn’t only hurt
you. When you blurt out those shallow niceties to others during their time of
need, stress, or sadness, not only do you risk making them feel that you don’t
even care enough to sincerely sit with them in their sadness or stress, but
trivializing their pain makes them feel alone in it, like maybe other people
don’t suffer through similar things. Even that you are only seeking to make yourself
feel comfortable by spouting off bumper sticker compassion, rather than doing
the uncomfortable work of sitting with someone in their grief. “Everything happens for a reason!” doesn’t cure depression. “There are lots of fish in
the sea!” doesn’t heal a broken heart. But you know what does help?
Authenticity. Empathy. And a real love that says, “I can’t do anything to fix
this, but I will sit here with you in it so you are not alone.” And, for the
record, that doesn’t mean taking on their sadness, or anger, or grief as your
own. It means sitting with them while they are in it. True empathy
doesn’t take on another person’s feelings, it just accepts, allows, and
supports them in their feelings. A sad friend doesn’t want you to be sad, too.
And they certainly don’t want your tired cliches and toxic positivity. They just
want your real, authentic support in the hard times. Be that kind of friend.
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Afterword: For all you dark humor lovers like me, check out www.despair.com. It’s hilarious. Here are the ones mentioned in this week’s blog.
Excellent post and very good advice. Your writing always comes across as disarmingly objective. You concisely summarize the point YOU want to make, but early on, you also anticipate, acknowledge, and even give credibility to potential naysayers. You invite the reader to think, rather than telling them what they should think. You head off confrontation by describing the merits of opposing positions and acknowledging that any good advice can become bad if pushed to extreme limits or inflexibility. It's a refreshing "let's think about this together" style, in stark contrast to today's harsh tribalism.
ReplyDeleteWow. I will do my best to live up to that. ❤️
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